The Bammo Flim-Flam CONglomeration
Posted: August 24th, 2015, 10:16 am
This fall, if the timing is right, will see the publication of my new book, The Bammo Flim-Flam CONglomeration. More than a mere compilation of my Flim-Flam columns, this will be a greatly expanded collection which will include a detailed Scamdex to allow the reader to find just the perfect item for that trip down to the bar to make a few bucks.
However, some columns are just too stupid to mess with. An example follows. I hesitate to explain this. Jonathan: don't ask.
COLUMN: TONY FORGIO, TOUGH GUY
“Huh?” Tony Forgio
FARMER’S DEAD
This is Antonio Forgio talkin’. Don’t call me Tony. Only my close personal friends call me that. Some very rough people. Connected. Capisce?
By now you probably heard Farmer got whacked in Vegas. Tried some of the crap he’s dishes out here on two wiseguys and they popped him. Ended up with bullets for teeth in the trunk of a stolen car at the airport.
Let me tell you somethin’. You listenin’? Yeah, starting right now you’re gonna get the real work. No more of that namby-pampy Martin Gardner intellectual crap. Guy like Gardner try that stuff back in Jersey and they’d sew his ears to his toes.
He wears glasses, for cryin’ out loud.
THE REAL SECRET OF CHEATIN’ AT CARDS
There’s a guy I used to run with named Paulie. We called him Paulie the Beast because he was big and he was a beast. So we called him that. Back in the old days we always called guys names like that. Capisce?
Not like today. Today you got people wit’ names like “Darren” and “Stanley.” Back in the old days, you say you’re name was “Darren,” they’d jack up your chest and suck out your heart.
Okay, so Paulie the Beast and me we’re in Saratoga. This is the early fifties, maybe the middle fifties, so the place is jumping with high rollers. And we’re in this stud game with this guy from Boston, a total sucker, with lots of moolah (“moolah” is the word Hustlers use to mean money).
Anyway, Paulie’s real good with a cold deck and I’ve been dealin’ the guy great hands all night so he’s got like a ton of cash in front of him.
I give Paulie the high sign so he knows that on this deal we’re gonna take this guy. So the deal goes down and we wait.
Guy looks at his hand. Don’t say nuddin’. So now it’s our move.
I hit the guy right across the forehead with a tire iron.
Paulie the Beast runs around the table, and as the guy hits the floor, Paulie sits right on him.
The guy’s like crushed under Paulie.
I grab the money. I give Paulie the scram signal and we get the hell outta there.
DID VERNON EVER CHEAT?
Okay, now people ask me this all the time. Did you ever see Vernon hit a guy with a tire iron to get the money?
Let me tell you, Vernon never did this. Charlie Miller, now he’d do this. Actually Miller never used a tire iron, he always used a big rock.
Charlie would practice for hours on me. We’d sit at a regular card table and as soon as I caught a good hand, Charlie’d rock me, grab my moolah and run outside.
I’d say, “Charlie, enough with the rock, I’m gettin’ a headache.” But Charlie’d practice somethin’ ‘til it was right.
I still got Marks where that rock used to land. People say, what’s wrong wit’ your face and I say, that’s Charlie Miller’s rock.
THE REAL SECRET OF CHEATIN’ AT DICE
There’s more suckers losin’ money on dice than any other thing. Mostly because suckers just don’t know the real odds.
Hey, I’ll prove it to you.
You throw a six.
Okay, what are the odds someone will hit you with a tire iron or a big rock before you make your point?
ERDNASE DON’T KNOW NUDDIN’
A lot of the so-called “gambling experts” think that Erdnase knew whereof he spoke. Let me tell you this: nowhere in Erdnase—and I challenge you to prove me wrong—does he mention the use of tire irons or big rocks.
WORDS YOU GOTTA KNOW
You wanna end up wasted like Farmer, use the wrong lingo. You gotta know the vernacular, see what I’m sayin’?
Like you’d never say, “Yes, I believe I would enjoy a few rounds of that game with you chaps where each participant gets five cards.”
Just spit on the floor and say, “Deal’em.”
Whenever you fold a hand, always say, “Too rich for my blood.”
And right after you’ve used the hold-out to switch in the royal flush, show your hand and say, “Read’em and weep.”
When the big guy with nine fingers and a Sicilian accent cuts the deck look at him cold in the eye and say, “Cut deep to win a heap,” and wink. Real Hustlers always do this.
ARRIVIDERCI
Until next month, I’m Tony Forgio. Keep your mouth shut.
However, some columns are just too stupid to mess with. An example follows. I hesitate to explain this. Jonathan: don't ask.
COLUMN: TONY FORGIO, TOUGH GUY
“Huh?” Tony Forgio
FARMER’S DEAD
This is Antonio Forgio talkin’. Don’t call me Tony. Only my close personal friends call me that. Some very rough people. Connected. Capisce?
By now you probably heard Farmer got whacked in Vegas. Tried some of the crap he’s dishes out here on two wiseguys and they popped him. Ended up with bullets for teeth in the trunk of a stolen car at the airport.
Let me tell you somethin’. You listenin’? Yeah, starting right now you’re gonna get the real work. No more of that namby-pampy Martin Gardner intellectual crap. Guy like Gardner try that stuff back in Jersey and they’d sew his ears to his toes.
He wears glasses, for cryin’ out loud.
THE REAL SECRET OF CHEATIN’ AT CARDS
There’s a guy I used to run with named Paulie. We called him Paulie the Beast because he was big and he was a beast. So we called him that. Back in the old days we always called guys names like that. Capisce?
Not like today. Today you got people wit’ names like “Darren” and “Stanley.” Back in the old days, you say you’re name was “Darren,” they’d jack up your chest and suck out your heart.
Okay, so Paulie the Beast and me we’re in Saratoga. This is the early fifties, maybe the middle fifties, so the place is jumping with high rollers. And we’re in this stud game with this guy from Boston, a total sucker, with lots of moolah (“moolah” is the word Hustlers use to mean money).
Anyway, Paulie’s real good with a cold deck and I’ve been dealin’ the guy great hands all night so he’s got like a ton of cash in front of him.
I give Paulie the high sign so he knows that on this deal we’re gonna take this guy. So the deal goes down and we wait.
Guy looks at his hand. Don’t say nuddin’. So now it’s our move.
I hit the guy right across the forehead with a tire iron.
Paulie the Beast runs around the table, and as the guy hits the floor, Paulie sits right on him.
The guy’s like crushed under Paulie.
I grab the money. I give Paulie the scram signal and we get the hell outta there.
DID VERNON EVER CHEAT?
Okay, now people ask me this all the time. Did you ever see Vernon hit a guy with a tire iron to get the money?
Let me tell you, Vernon never did this. Charlie Miller, now he’d do this. Actually Miller never used a tire iron, he always used a big rock.
Charlie would practice for hours on me. We’d sit at a regular card table and as soon as I caught a good hand, Charlie’d rock me, grab my moolah and run outside.
I’d say, “Charlie, enough with the rock, I’m gettin’ a headache.” But Charlie’d practice somethin’ ‘til it was right.
I still got Marks where that rock used to land. People say, what’s wrong wit’ your face and I say, that’s Charlie Miller’s rock.
THE REAL SECRET OF CHEATIN’ AT DICE
There’s more suckers losin’ money on dice than any other thing. Mostly because suckers just don’t know the real odds.
Hey, I’ll prove it to you.
You throw a six.
Okay, what are the odds someone will hit you with a tire iron or a big rock before you make your point?
ERDNASE DON’T KNOW NUDDIN’
A lot of the so-called “gambling experts” think that Erdnase knew whereof he spoke. Let me tell you this: nowhere in Erdnase—and I challenge you to prove me wrong—does he mention the use of tire irons or big rocks.
WORDS YOU GOTTA KNOW
You wanna end up wasted like Farmer, use the wrong lingo. You gotta know the vernacular, see what I’m sayin’?
Like you’d never say, “Yes, I believe I would enjoy a few rounds of that game with you chaps where each participant gets five cards.”
Just spit on the floor and say, “Deal’em.”
Whenever you fold a hand, always say, “Too rich for my blood.”
And right after you’ve used the hold-out to switch in the royal flush, show your hand and say, “Read’em and weep.”
When the big guy with nine fingers and a Sicilian accent cuts the deck look at him cold in the eye and say, “Cut deep to win a heap,” and wink. Real Hustlers always do this.
ARRIVIDERCI
Until next month, I’m Tony Forgio. Keep your mouth shut.