I Hate Las Vegas

[Dustin Stinett]

(Disclaimer: This rant/comment is rated R for some adult language. If you are a youngster, the adult who should be monitoring your Internet use might wish to read through this first. End of disclaimer.)

Not so long ago, when my profession would bring me to that toddling little town about six weeks out of a given year, I used to love going to The Vegas (apparently its new moniker among the young crowd). However, my last trip there was less than fun: all merriment ended abruptly with the theft of my wifes purse and all the fun and frivolity that goes with that dandy experience (which continued for several months afterward, I might add). However, we just returned from a much, much better trip (Cindy wore a fanny-pack this time), but it still wasnt as it used to be. It dawned on me that its not Las Vegas I hate insomuch as it is Las Vegas on the weekend that I hate. When I worked there I would arrive early on Monday and leave early Friday: I would miss most of the absurd crowds that arrive for the weekend. One could drive on the strip and those who walked the streets didnt seem to believe that the flashing red hand meant that a high-five awaited them on the other side of the street if they crossed right then. But on weekends? Forgetaboutit: the place is a living nightmare.

Oceans of people who have forgotten the fine art of watch where you walk or walk where you watch dominate the sidewalks and the streets where overhead crosswalks do not yet exist (the best thing Vegas ever did and they should do it at every intersection and hotel street entrance). Okay, so its my fault that I chose to go on a weekend when there was a fight in town: but if they were there for the fight, why in the hell werent they all inside watching the fight? I think the only thing that out numbers the people are the hooker-cards littering the sidewalk: I contemplated collecting a full deck. However, I assumed that the phrase Everything that happens in Vegas stays in Vegas doesnt include STDs.

This Soylent Green-like humanity (biscuits anyone?) is rivaled only by the number of cars packing the strip from morning to, well, morning. At least the herds of people are moving. It may not be in the direction you wanted to go (you just sort of let the current carry you), but its moving. The strip on Saturday night is a giant parking lot and all the taxi drivers seem to think its the New Year: why else would they be honking? Frankly, someone needs to invent a gizmo that all taxi drivers must, by law, wear: this gizmo, which should be able to analyze actual traffic conditions, would be connected from the cabs horn to the drivers ass. When the horn is honked and the traffic conditions simply do not warrant the honk (i.e. honking will not, in any possible way, help) said driver gets an electrical reminder that he is indeed an [censored] in his [censored].

And a note to the Las Vegas valets: Dont pass by the fat guy with the Ford Taurus just to help out the two Humvees filled with cowboys behind him just because there is one big-boobed, beer-drinking, blond bimbo with the nine of them. Trust me; she wont be giving you a hum-anything later no matter how drunk she gets: you arent wearing a cowboy hat and [censored] which, along with the big belt buckle, is how she will be identifying those she is there to service. Also, trust me when I say that a group like that will not be tipping much, if anything: they will need every dollar bill they have for the strip club later in the evening. And I hope you had to clean up all the tobacco juice they chose to spit on the walk in front of the door as they entered the casino: thats what you get for ignoring me. Yee-haw.

But beyond all that it was a fine trip, though it was sad and a bit weird to no longer see Siegfried & Roy on the Mirage marquee. And if I had a dollar for every time I heard someone say, Whos Danny Gans? I could have covered my losses. Thats a sad commentary for a guy who has been a staple act in Vegas for as long as he has. And trust me, his name is not just on that marquee; its everywhere. Well, except on the hooker-cards: Not yet anyway.

The occasion for the trip was the celebration of my daughters 21st birthday. It was what she wanted to do and Im a soft touch when it comes to my little girl. But Im no idiot either: she wasnt going with just her best friend. We stayed at the Tropicana (since my beloved Desert Inn is no more). I know its not the cool place to stay these days, but it always served as my backup (when the company would balk at the $100 a night rooms at the DI) and since daddys little girl wanted tickets to O as well, actually staying at the Bellagio was not an option. But I am so glad we did: The Trop didnt have all the accommodations we were expecting. As a result, the two adjoining standard rooms meant for my son, wife and me were upgraded to a single two-room suite for only $20 more than the cost of one standard room! (Birthday-girl was stuck with her standard room. Her only comment: Say whaaaaat??) Note: Jacuzzi tubs are really good after a long day of tramping around the strip and the view from the top of the Island Tower at the Trop is damn fine.

The other highlights were my third trip to see Rick Thomas at the Tropicana and my first opportunity to see Mac King at Harrahs (not the first time Id seen him work, just the first time in Las Vegas). Its no coincidence that these two men have won Magician of the Year from the Academy: they are both masters of their chosen styles (talk about your spectral oppositesthere is no way to compare them and say one is better than the other).

Thomas show, The Art of Dreaming, is a dazzling array of classic magic and modern illusion. The shows signature piece is a wonderful double levitation: after Grace (his primary assistant for many years who, I might add, grows more beautiful as those years go by) floats up high above the stage, she returns down, is covered and floats high again where she can be clearly seen moving under the almost sheer cover. He then suddenly flies up to her and as he descends, he pulls away the cloth showing that she has vanished: its a breathtaking piece.

A four ring routine remains a staple piece of Thomas show and a personal favorite of mine. It is a gorgeous routine and he is one of the very best from a technical standpoint. He garners several audible gasps from the audience: no doubt from people who believe they know how the rings workat least until they witness his mastery of their manipulation. The shows finale is an intricate compilation of productions, transformations and transpositions that features his four dancers and four tigers (two white, two Bengal). It brings the show to a dazzling close and a rousing ovation.

Mac King, this years recipient of the AMAs Magician of the Year award, is, without a doubt, one of the great entertainers on the strip. Hes hysterically funny, personable, non-threatening to his audience and, to go along with all of that, he is a damn fine magician. His character and style perfectly camouflage his considerable skills. Virtually every piece in his show is audience participation and yet he makes no one feel foolish while working with him. While this is the first time I have seen this show, I have seen some of these pieces over the years at the Magic Castle. It has been quite some time, however, and now these hunks have been honed to a razor sharp edge. But yet there is also the quality that with each show they can be different because, I am sure, the audience reactions are different. That gives them a fresh feeling about them: that everything you are seeing is unexpected and new; and, of course, side-achingly funny. Penn and Teller are correct: Mac King is a god.

Given the bargain prices for their shows (the ten tickets we purchased to these two shows cost less than the two tickets I purchased for my daughters night at O), Rick Thomas and Mac Kings shows are the greatest deals in townperiod. And I can say without any hesitation that they are worth the aggravation suffered during a weekend stay in The Vegas.

Dustin

[Guest]

Next time, take public transportation or walk. Sounds like you would rent a car if you visited NYC too.

Why are you driving down the Strip during the busiest time of the week? This isn't Main St, Smalltown, USA.

HR

[skeptic555]

Dustin - really enjoyed your note. Made me laugh. I LOVE las vegas (is "the vegas" better or worse than "Lost Wages"?) but I tend to be a Sunday - Wed guy. Heading out next week for a conference that end Fri, and I am sticking around until Sat midnite, so we'll see how that goes.

It is usually my goal to violate all 7 of the deadly sins while out there... and I hope to better last Decemeber's effort, which was six:

Greed...easy.
Gluttony...EASY.
Lust... whoa there, lust for MONEY counts.
Anger...see Dustin's post... easy
Pride... fairly easy if you are winning...
Envy... easy if the guy next to you is winning...
and Sloth... thats the one that always eludes me...

This will mark my 4th time to see Mac, including one time where I was the "burned $100 bill" guy. Simply the best show out there - and here is my advice for everyone out there: buy a ticket for $17. You walk right up and bypass the freebie line(L-O-N-G... it amazes me that folks will stand in line for 90 minutes to save $10.... and drop $25 a hand a blackjack in 2 seconds without blinking), you'll get a better seat from the maitre'd (thats what those "reserved" seats up front are for...) AND most importantly, you'll be financially supporting Mac, who certainly deserves it.

Oh, and Harley? LOVED your series of bouts with the Nature Boy... ;>

Steve
Skeptic555

[Richard Kaufman]

This June the long-awaited monorail system will open, offering transportation down a long section of the strip.
There will be no traffic jams. :)

[Guest]

Originally posted by Richard Kaufman:
This June the long-awaited monorail system will open, offering transportation down a long section of the strip.
There will be no traffic jams. :)

The bus is $2 per trip. $5 for a day pass. Probably slower than the monorail, but cheaper.

[Dustin Stinett]

Originally posted by Harley Race:
Next time, take public transportation or walk. Sounds like you would rent a car if you visited NYC too.

Why are you driving down the Strip during the busiest time of the week? This isn't Main St, Smalltown, USA.

Harley,

I'm from So Cal: we can't live without our cars. We did, however, walk quite a bit (though my daughter says walking is "overrated"). Without going into too much detail, the Saturday night drive was essential only because of our itinerary (from the Trop to well off the strip and back to the center of it), otherwise, we probably would have walked. The weather was perfect, I might add. I hope it remains so for Steve's trip.

As for renting a car in NYC, that's doubtful: Way too many taxis to contend with. I'll hire a limo!

Originally posted by Steve Neruda:
is "the vegas" better or worse than "Lost Wages"?

The Vegas is much better than Lost Wages. And Steve is 100% correct about the ticket situation at Mac Kings show: we were right in front and thats a great place to see his show. Oh, and Steve, hang with me and Ill have you slothing in no time.

Next stop: The Reno (July).

Dustin

[Robert Allen]

I've always stayed on the strip (not horribly expensive rooms can be found) and thus been within walking distance to most places. I take cabs when I need to go elsewhere. It's not as cheap as the bus but it's quick and easy.

I'm opposed to using "The" as an article before any proper names. It reminds me too much of Southern California and their naming of "The" freeways. Sadly this unfortunate habit has made its way to Northern California. Even more sadly, it's probably because Southern Californians have moved up here :( .

[Guest]

Mr. S.

I really enjoyed your "R" rated post...it was...well...informative... :rolleyes:

I say this because I've lived in Las Vegas since 1978. I'm darn near a "native." I graduated school here, have made a wonderful living in this industry, and I am raising my family here. While I should holler at you in defense of this fine city, the truth is...I really can't! It is a real pain out here, especially when it's 115 in the shade!

The real tricks...and these aren't trade secrets...is definately to avoid the weekends (unless you actually like being part of the herd...moo!), and avoid The Strip at all costs! Take Frank Sinatra drive!

Feel free to use these methods, they're aren't original with me.

I'm glad you enjoyed your visit with us.

:cool:

[Bill Mullins]

Here (LINK) is some Las Vegas travel advice from a usually reliable source.

[MaxNY]

Hey Dustin, don't you know "what goes on in Vegas, stays in Vegas..."
---I have only been once, and that was for "Live" celebration, and plan on going again this August to "13"...I hope to meet many of you there.
---"Monorail..(sung to the Simpson's Monorail)...I call the big one "Bitey".

[Steve Bryant]

It's not THAT hard to drive in Las Vegas. If you stay a while (I usually contrive to stay 6 days), you can rent a decent-sized car for under $150, including the huge airport tax. It's most convenient to have if you visit townie friends or are staying someplace off-strip, such as the Orleans.

[Pete Biro]

The key is to drive "off the strip" on the roads parallel... the BARGAIN of all BARGAINS in L.V. is Valet Parking...

[Guest]

Glad to hear I'm not the only Mac King groupie. Hope you all do as I do and talk up his show in every line you stand in (there are quite a few in Vegas). You Vegans (is that what you call yourself if you live in Vegas?) keep us posted on Hobson too.
Mark

[Guest]

I happen to live in Vegas, too. Well, technically Henderson but its close enough for me. I am not absolutely positive, but I believe Hobson's show has already closed. Unfortunate, but the concept seemed like more of an afternoon show to me. I never did see it, but have seen him perform. He's incredible. But if you are looking for incredible, Mac King is definitely the way to go. Wonderful performer, genius (member of Mensa), and an amazingly nice guy. Be sure and say "Howdy" when seeing the show.

So being a resident of this fine city, I am obliged to recommend you come visit and pay our taxes. But come August 22-25 you'll have another reason. A far better reason. MAGIC...Live! is happening again. If you haven't already heard, the creative juices of the Magic Magazine crew are brewing again to bring you the 13th anniversary celebration. It's sure to be great and I hope to see all of you in my city for this great convention.

[Richard Kaufman]

I'm starting to wonder who our new member DVKid is, since every post he's made so far has mentioned MAGIC magazine or the MAGIC Live! convention.

[Jim Morton]

Originally posted by DustinStinett:

Originally posted by Harley Race:
[b] Next time, take public transportation or walk. Sounds like you would rent a car if you visited NYC too.

Why are you driving down the Strip during the busiest time of the week? This isn't Main St, Smalltown, USA.

Harley,

I'm from So Cal: we can't live without our cars. We did, however, walk quite a bit (though my daughter says walking is "overrated").

Dustin [/b]

I'm with Harley on this one. How conditioned people have become to driving everywhere when public transportation is often the superior way to go.

Being from SoCal is the worst excuse. One of the best mass transit systems in the country used to be in LA, but it was dismantled for the sake of the automobile industry. (Who Framed Roger Rabbit is a remarkably accurate account of things--'toons notwithstanding.) People in LA could have stopped this, but they did not. They have been paying for it ever since, and, I predict, the worst is yet to come for this decision.

Living in San Francisco, I am always amazed by the knuckleheads who insist on renting a car, driving through through Chinatown, and then complaining about the traffic.

Dustin, if you ever come to San Francisco, I implore you do NOT rent a car. If this concept frightens you, call me, and I'll show you how to move around the city without wheels. It may open your eyes to a whole new world. :)

Jim

[Guest]

While Jim is correct SF is more of a commuter town. It is small, the roads are horrible, and they have plenty of cable cars and buses etc. In LA the distances are greater.
Steve V

[Danny Archer]

Originally posted by Richard Kaufman:
I'm starting to wonder who our new member DVKid is, since every post he's made so far has mentioned MAGIC magazine or the MAGIC Live! convention.

I'm wondering too Richard ... he never mentioned the LVMI close-up convention in September ... curious ...

[Bob Walder]

Dustin,

Actually I was there the same weekend you were (didn't know about the fight beforehand!) and I didn't find it TOO much worse than a normal Saturday night in Vegas. The key thing with cabs, it would seem, is to make sure they drive you up and down that nice new road that runs parallel to the strip - thus it is best to avoid catching a cab at the Bellagio - one of the few hotels with no easy access to that road - instead walk to one next door (Caesar's?).

And being from Europe, we actually don't mind walking too much, so tend NOT to catch a cab EVERYWHERE ;)

Have to agree with you on your choice of shows though. Mac King was brilliant, as was Rick Thomas. Biggest laugh in his show came right at the end when all the cast members were on stage with the tigers, and one of the tigers decided to "spray", hitting one of the showgirls fully 15 feet away - right down her leg. The girl stoically maintained both her pose and her smile (Heaven only knows what must have been going through her mind right then!) ....and Rick's comment?

"Well at least now you know they are real!"

Well worth the price for both of these.

Bob